Before 2020, I was a childless commercial photographer with a short client list full of unknowns and microbusinesses. I’d never been published in anything other than local freebie magazines and the occasional online plug. I was still learning the basics of lighting, and I still had half a foot in the world of graphic design to make ends meet.
Now squarely three years post-pandemic (how is it even possible it’s been that long?), things in life and business look quite different for me. I’ve been published in national magazines multiple times. Engaged in speaking and teaching opportunities. Directed commercials in LA. Ran mutli-stage photo sets under my creative direction. Developed a client list that my 2020 self would not have even dreamed of, and oh yes, I did have a baby.
Sometimes I look back at the growth and change that’s happened in such a relatively short time and I wonder how it’s even been possible. I say this not to brag, but because after such a long time spent chasing my dreams (remember, I’ve been at this professionally in some form or fashion since 2007), there’s something awe inspiring and also mind boggling about actually seeing things come to fruition. There has been so much heartache for so long on this road, to see some sunshine is such an immense relief.
In the rearview mirror it’s clear to me that so many of the times I thought the world or God was against me, it was really just a pause, a temporary interruption to give me time to catch my breath because what was waiting on the other side was the next big jump, and if I was wise I’d use the time to prepare for whatever came next.
And that’s where I am today. Sitting in standby, looking up at the next step, not totally sure how high the jump will be in order to stick the landing, but becoming increasingly aware that I must catch my breath before the time comes to shoot my shot.
When we decided to start a family, Jordan and I agreed that together we would do whatever we could to help keep my career going. I’d been working my way up in the industry since before we started dating, and taking a break can feel like a death sentence to all the work put in over the years, plus my work is a very personal and important creative outlet for me, and I wasn’t ready to hang it up. So family and work have begrudgingly coexisted for the last few years, as have all the mom guilt, the scheduling woes, the late night work sessions, the complete lack of social life, the nonexistence of self care, and the general flightiness that come along with it.
It’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever done, so incredibly worth it, but bone achingly difficult at times. As the needs of my daughter have changed, as my husband travels more and more for work and continues building his career, and as my work continues with its own physical, mental, and emotional demands, it’s felt like a good time to reassess.
I’ve thought about taking a break, expanding, hiring more help, getting more childcare, and quitting completely. I’ve entertained notions like becoming a painter instead (I don’t paint?), becoming someone else’s photography agent, accidentally booking a solo flight to Italy for a bit, and opening a studio. But none of these things are answers because it’s becoming clear that I’m circumstantially right where I need to be.
This became more evident than ever when last month I was tasked with directing commercials for a big box retailer in LA. Having never been to LA, directed a commercial, or done any video work at all, I was an obvious choice for such a job. The weeks leading up to were shaky and stressful, I kept waiting for the shoe to drop, for that moment when my entire crew of 50 realized that I am a fraudulent fool.
But it never did. Because I was neither fraudulent nor a fool. My years of working in the stills world with food, coupled with my degree in design, my strong sensibilities around lighting, my love of working with clients and developing relationships, it all sat in front of me on a lazy susan, ready for me to cherry pick what I needed at that moment to get the job done. And I did. Boom.
So despite the fact that on the plane to LA I would have rather been anywhere than on a plane to LA, in hindsight I see that it was the perfect opportunity for me. It allowed me to stretch while being supported, to use my skills in a new way, and to go on an adventure. (By the way, while we’re on the topic, it’s not often that mid-thirties suburban moms get to go on adventures and this is a massive tragedy as far as I’m concerned.) I was right where I needed to be.
I am right where I need to be. Craziness and all. What happens next is unclear, but I feel very certain that there’s a big jump ahead. One that will make more space for me to stretch my creative legs, take more time with family, embark on bigger challenges, and hopefully shower more frequently. For now, I am doing my stretches, drinking some water, and quieting my mind. Whatever the next step is, don’t be fooled. Your girl will be ready.